A Week I'd Like To Forget

**WARNING: This is a really long post.  It's more for me than it is you.  It's more like a journal entry; stream of conscious writing.  I had a lot in my head that I needed to get out before I completely forget.  If you don't want to read it all, I totally understand.  You could skip to Tuesday, March 6th.  If you don't read anything, at least listen to the song. 


Last week feels like a dream; a nightmare rather.  It's all starting to run together and quite frankly still feels unreal.
It started on FRIDAY, MARCH 2ND.  We were supposed to have "meet the coach" for Andrew's tee ball team followed by a squadron function, followed by a late night drive over to Mississippi to spend the weekend with Drew's family.  I got a call from my Mom just after lunch telling me that she had to call 911 and they were taking my Grandaddy (diagnosed with Lung Cancer in September)  to the ER.  (His cancer doctors were all in Huntsville, an hour away and both Albertville and Huntsville were under a tornado warning.) He ended up in Guntersville.  I called Drew and we dropped everything, threw some things in a bag and headed that way.  An hour and a half into our drive, Mom called back to tell me that they thought they were going to send him back home and that we didn't need to be driving into the storms.  They had given Granddaddy some fluids and he was feeling a little better.  Grandaddy got on the phone and told me that he'd be worried about me driving, that we should just wait until next weekend to come to Albertville as planned.  He promised me he'd hang in there until then so we turned the car around and headed to Mississippi instead.  *Side note: Grandaddy was supposed to have a scan today to see if his chemo was working.  He was only 3 treatments away from being finished with it.  Then he would start radiation.  But since he was getting weaker and weaker, the doctor wanted to see if the chemo was working.  If it was, then they could finish.  If not, maybe they could go straight to radiation.  It was an important scan, that got put on hold.*
SATURDAY, MARCH 3RD, we went to Monster Jam as planned.  (See previous post).
SUNDAY, MARCH 4TH, we went to Grandma's for Ladner birthdays, as planned.  Around noon, I got another call from my Mom telling me that I should probably come home.  They were taking Grandaddy to the ER again and this time to Huntsville.  We said our goodbyes rather quickly and drove from Kiln, MS to Huntsville, AL in 5 hours flat with 3 stops! (Now, Google Maps will tell you that this drive takes 6 hours and 19 minutes-they did not take into account Drew Ladner's driving.)  Even though we made it there faster than we should have, that was the longest 5 hours of my life.  My sister called a couple of times to see how far we had made it and to stress the importance that we "HURRY."  I don't remember much about the scenery outside of the car, because most of that 5 hours was spent praying, thinking, crying, contemplating...etc.. I just wanted to make it there to see him one more time.  Besides, he had promised me, he'd be there next time I came home.  When we got to the hospital, he was still in the ER.  He was dehydrated, had pneumonia, and his oxygen was low.  (Pretty sure he had that on Friday at the ER but the lovely people that work at the Guntersville hospital don't know how to read a chest X-ray!  They had NO business sending him home in his condition!-I digress...)  Due to the strict ER rules, I had to wait for Granny to come out so I could go back to see him.  When I got there, his first words were, "See, I didn't break my promise. I'm still alive!"  I cried when I saw his frail body in the hospital bed.  He looked so much weaker than when I had seen him a few weeks prior.  They finally got him admitted and up to a room on the 7th floor; the oncology floor.  It was getting late.  Annah and I decided to stay with him that first night.  Mom, Dad, Granny, Annah, Jefforey, Drew, and Andrew all drove back to Albertville.  Grandaddy was getting fluids, antibiotics, blood thinner and morphine.  He did really well that first night.  His color was starting to look better and Annah said he looked MUCH better than that morning.  He rested well that night.  Well, he rested as well as anyone could in a hospital...3 hours at a time.  The nurses came in and woke him up every 2-3 hours with IV bags, vital checks, and new meds.  So we slept on and off.
MONDAY, MARCH 5th- The doctor says we need to postpone the scan until the pneumonia is gone.  Priority #1...get rid of pneumonia.  Drew drove to the hospital to visit before driving back to FL.  He had to get back to work.   Since Mom was spending the night, she waited to come to the hospital until early afternoon.  She brought Granny and we stayed until around 8.  Annah and I drove Granny home while Mom stayed the night.  (Luckily Dad's off days are Monday, so the little man got to hang with Paw-Paw all day.)  I got a good night's sleep and headed back to the hospital around 3 pm on TUESDAY, MARCH 6th.   I took Andrew with me so he could see Granddaddy for a couple of hours.  Earlier that morning Annah drove Granny to the hospital, so the three of them (Mom, Granny, Annah) took Andrew home around 5.  Mom didn't get any sleep the night before, so she was pooped out.  She warned me that Granddaddy didn't have a good night, and it might be the same again tonight.  (I was staying Tuesday night)  Earlier that day, the doctors had determined that Grandaddy had aspirated pneumonia, caused by his choking.  He hadn't been able to swallow very well lately and would often get choked on food or water.  When he choked like that, he would aspirate some of the food/water and THAT caused the pneumonia.  Also on Tuesday, he failed a swallow test, thus prompting the doctors to tell Grandaddy that he could no longer have any food or drink by mouth.  By this time, they started him on TPN (liquid steak and potatoes in a bag, as his doctor called it).  He was not very happy that he couldn't even have water.  They gave him these little sponge things that he could use to "wet" his mouth when it got dry.  He was not happy that he couldn't drink any water, so that made for a long night.  It was just me and Granddaddy from 5pm until 10 am and that was the longest night of both of our lives.  He was so mad about the water situation and it broke my heart not to give him water when he asked for it.  (Although truth be told, there were times when I let him have a few sips. I mean... how am I supposed to tell the man who has given me everything I've ever asked for and more that he can't have something so simple as a sip of water?!)  Like I said, it was a long hard night.  His pain was getting worse, he was thirsty, and he only slept in 10-15 minute intervals all night.  I sat on the edge of his bed and held his hand for HOURS.  (I had so many thoughts running through my mind, that I wanted to sit and write them all out, but there was no time.  I just stayed by his side all night.)  I thought I had come to grips with the fact that he was dying on our little road trip Sunday, but Tuesday night, I knew he was dying.  He kept apologizing, telling me that he wanted to stay here for us, but he didn't think he would make it.  I told him he didn't have to be strong anymore; not to hold on for us.  I told him how much I  loved him, butI didn't want him to suffer anymore.   I told him I wanted what was best for him and if he needed to go, then we'd be ok; that he didn't have to worry about us.   He said he was glad I felt that way.  He told me how much he loved me.  We talked about all our fun times together, we talked about baking and shared cooking tips.  Those moments were nice, but then the pain got worse. He was in so much pain that he begged God  to let him die. He was suffering.  It hurt to watch.  Once he cried out, "Oh Lord, why won't you just let me go on!"  It was unbearable!  I found myself praying right along side of him "Lord, can't you hear him?  He's in too much pain, just take him home.  Bring him to You, where there is no pain, no suffering. "  I never in a million years thought that I'd ever wish for my Granddaddy to die.  And believe me, I didn't want him to.  I'd keep him here forever if I could, but I tell you the truth...when you have to watch someone that you love with all your heart suffer like that...it's a whole different story.   I kept thinking about Jesus on the cross.  I can't imagine how God the Father felt, watching his only, beloved son, Jesus suffer and die a horrible, painful death on a tree.  He did that for me! And for you!  Oh, what love.   All night long, I had this song in my head:



On WEDNESDAY, MARH 7th, Dad took off work again to keep Andrew.  I called Mom and Annah pretty early.  Grandaddy kept asking when Granny was coming, so I told them to get up and come on.  They got there around 9 am.  I managed to stay awake until around 11am, then passed out in the chair until 1pm.  That was the best 2 hours of sleep I've had in a long time.  I slept like a ROCK.  I woke up because Grandaddy was getting worse.  His breathing had become more labored and again he started telling us how much he loved us, reminding us where all his important documents were, and asking us to take care of Granny.  Granny told him he couldn't leave, that she needed him and he said "Ok, then I guess I'll have to pull through."    Later that night, I drove Granny home while Mom and Annah stayed the night.
THURSDAY, MARCH 8TH- The phone rang at 7.  It was Mom.  She said the Doctor had just been in to see Granddaddy and he didn't have good news.  The doctor had given him 24 hours.  Granny's sister had planned on taking her to the hospital that morning anyway, so we stuck to that plan, as not to alarm Granny.  I called Dad, who had  already gone in to work.  He turned around and came home and he, Andrew, and I headed to the hospital.  When we got there, Grandaddy was worse.  The nurses were switching into "comfort care" mode and starting the morphine drip.  His oxygen levels were lower, so he was wearing the full oxygen mask.  Shortly after our arrival, we went down to get breakfast.  We met Granny, my Great-Aunt, and my cousins in the lobby.  She was surprised to see me, as I wasn't supposed to be there until later that afternoon.  She said, "Is Dewayne worse?  Is that why you're here?"  I told her yes, but that he was ok.  With a panicked look, she headed upstairs.  
During breakfast, Dad and I explained to Andrew that Grandaddy was really sick and he was wearing a funny mask to help him breathe.  We asked if he wanted to go in and see him.  He said yes, so we went back upstairs and Andrew sat in my lap beside the bed and talked to Granddaddy.  Of course Grandaddy was happy to see him, just like always.  Andrew reached up and held Grandaddy's hand.  After a while he leaned over and gave his hand a kiss.  With that kiss, Grandaddy's oxygen level went up.  My cousins were there that day.  They were very emotional because they knew what we all knew...that the man we all loved wouldn't be around much longer.  Grandaddy was like a Grandaddy to them.  They never knew their maternal Grandfather, so my Grandaddy filled in.  They loved him and he loved them.  The hospital room was full:  Me, Andrew, Mom, Dad, Annah, Jefforey, Granny, Linda, Donna, Sonny, Zachary, and Emily.  It was nice for a while.  Grandaddy's pain was under control so he felt like talking.  We all shared memories and sat around and talked about how much we loved each other and how lucky we were.  Around mid-day, Grandaddy took a long nap.  He woke up around 6, had a rough spell, but then got better.  He had more visitors; his nephew and his family and the preacher all stopped by.  Before my cousins left for the day we talked some more about how much he loved us all and at one point, he looked around the room and with a smile he said, "Well, I guess I have nothing else to say.  I've already said it all.  I love ya'll and ya'll love me and that's all that really matters."  He went to sleep around 7:30.  The cousins left.  Mom, Dad, Granny, and Andrew went to the hospitality house a block away to get some rest, while Annah and I stayed with Grandaddy.  He was resting so peacefully.  We slept in shifts that night.  I slept from 12-2am and Annah from 2-5.
On FRIDAY, MARCH 9TH at 5 am, I woke Annah up because Grandaddy's oxygen had gone from 74-91!  He seemed to be improving.  His pulse was down to 78 from 95. Annah was worried.  His breathing had become more shallow.  We were trying to decide whether or not to call and wake Mom up.  While we were still trying to decide, Grandaddy decided for us.  In a matter of seconds, his pulse dropped to 58.  At 5:20, I called Mom and said "Get up here NOW!"  I called right back to make sure she heard the urgency in my voice.  My worst nightmare was coming true right before my eyes.  Grandaddy was still sleeping, but we knew it was the end.  Annah and I were sitting on both sides of the bed;each of us had one of his hands and we starting singing "Soon and very soon, we are going to see the King.  Soon and very soon, we are going to see the King.  Soon and very soon, we are going to see the King.  Hallelujah, hallelujah, we are going to see the King."  Grandaddy gasped for air.  Still we sang, "No more dying there, we are going to see the King..."  When the song was over we told him how much we loved him and he didn't have to worry.  He could go be with Jesus.  We'd be ok.  Mom and Granny made it just in time.  We stepped back so they could say their goodbyes.  Then we sang "Amazing Grace."  At 6 am on the dot, my Granddaddy died.  


Time Froze.  
My heart physically hurt.
There was weeping.
There was silence.
Now what?


Now you plan a funeral, which is exhausting and stressful when you're already sleep depraved and trying to mourn. Death on Friday, visitation on Saturday, funeral on Sunday.  No time to think about what's happening, no time to process..just planning and arranging. Until something happens: reality strikes and you lose it. It happened a couple of times for me:  walking into Grandaddy's bedroom, realizing he's not there...or while baking cookies for visitation (you have to know Grandaddy) I reached for the bag of flour, hugged it, and cried.  Or after returning home from all these before mentioned events to find my birthday card had arrived in the mail while I was gone, signed, "Love, Granny & Grandaddy."  It's the little things...and they come at you when you least expect them. 


Life is different now.  It's going to take some getting used to....if that's possible.  But honestly,  I still feel like it was all a very bad dream; one of those recurring nightmares.  I keep waiting for the part where I wake up, but unfortunately, this time, that isn't going to happen.  


Pray for our family.  We're hurting.  Pray for my Grandmother especially, as she tries to figure out life without her husband of 62 years.  SIXTY-TWO years?!  That's a long time.  She's just lost without my Grandaddy, so remember her when you pray.